My life is really beginning to suck ass right now; well actually this year has literally been one of my worst. Don’t know what to do in order to fix it cause every time I try, something messed up happens. Like today. I logged into my email (which hasn’t been working for a while now and decided to magically work today) and lo and behold there is an email, one that I had been waiting for for over a month, from Uber about their ambassador program… FML I almost fell off my chair from excitement cause I had made it to the semi-finals of the whole program thing. I read the email only to find that I had missed the submission date for the next activity by TWO DAYS because my dumb email didn’t work.

Have you ever experienced the five stages of grief in a minute after realizing something? I did, now now… this has all been happening for about an hour now. I have been sitting in front of my computer bleak out of my mind at the fact that one of my dream opportunities has slipped through my fingers because my email didn’t work. It would’ve made me feel better if it was my own fault that I did not see the email but it wasn’t and that’s what makes the whole thing super unbearable for me. I mean why me?! Why do I have to get the raw end of the stick, I mean I try and do everything right! Am I asking for too much to hope that get something that I want once in a while?

This whole thing is making me reconsider wanting things in life at all, I mean I went through denial – where I kept checking the date on everything thinking, maybe just maybe I still can submit something… then anger- where I cussed out loudly at the computer screen and my email and then myself for being bad at like the dates and stuff and like life for making the whole calendar thing… I mean do we even need dates?! WHY! About 20 minutes ago, I reached bargaining where I emailed the people at Uber pleading with them to reconsider and just let me do it (though a large part of me knows they’re probably going to say that they are unable to but a small part of me hopes that maybe today will be my lucky day you know?). And I am now currently in a mixture of depression and acceptance.

I don’t want to be in limbo, it’s shifted more towards depression than acceptance cause what the hell! No! I was made for this job! TO HELL WITH ALL THOSE PEOPLE WHO THINK THAT WE LIVE AND WE LEARN WHEN WE DON’T GET WHAT WE WANT! I refuse to give up… I don’t want to give up… I don’t need to give up till I’ve been told that there is absolutely nothing at all that can come from me persisting with this entire thing…and this feeling is the reason I’m in limbo between depressed and accepting my fate. It saddens me that what I wanted was a mere 1000-word essay away… I mean I’m currently on 538 words in this blog post AND I could possibly go for another like 500 more! I WAS MADE TO SPEAK IN WORDS… ON PAPER… ON A COMPUTER… I’ve been writing for leisure since I was 10 years old… I have a decade of experience with this entire thing and it could have gone to good use but oh well…

This is my melancholy acceptance… with a tiny bit of hope laced into it. Hope that maybe they have a drop out or someone sucks so bad that they have to replace them or something like that… give me something! But for now I have to just go study and pray that they read my email and reply…

With sadness

Retro

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