Today, seeing as I’m alive again, I shall speak directly to you. Explanation for my sudden disappearance? It’s been a combination of my lack of interest in anything other than like university life and the fact that I have NO time though I spend majority of my day sleeping, eating and watching series.
One would think I’m in the depression loop, lord I wish it was! I’ve reached the stagnation phase. This is where I am NOT unhappy or depressed or devoid of any sort of emotion, no, it’s the IDGAF-let-me-watch-series-dammit phase.Think I’ve reached my own existential crisis stage. As of late, a large percentage of my friends have been going through the “why am I even in university it sucks ass” dilemma and inevitably dropping out. Which I tots understand, I mean WTFs I felt like that a month ago. It all started on a bright sunny summers day, the sky was bright blue (so I’m told; my curtains are amazing, they block out any sort of light from coming in. Eternal nighttime YAY!) and it was apparently windless which is a revelation in Cape Town seeing as there is always wind. ALWAYS- you can’t even wear a skirt unless you’re content on knowing the whole campus is aware of the color of your underwear. If you’re even wearing any… anyway I rolled over in my bed, checked my cruddy Samsung S4 (it was on its last limb, like so slow it’s extremely painful – Got an iPhone 6 now yay!), had about 84 unread messages, groups are the bane of my existence, like why do we have to have those 125 message conversations? Like it’s painful to have to get there too late and have to sift through all of those messages; I’ve reached the open-close point in my sanity. Anyway my mom had called me like 3 times, I thought it was something important so I rang her back and this is when it happened… the realization that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life not taking a gap-year.
Mom: Hey honey (yes my mom calls me that). How are you?
Me: *grumbles, mumbles and sleepiness*
Mom: Are you still asleep? (cue incredulous judgement)
Me: *grumbles mumbles and more awake-ness at this point*
Mom: -long winded conversation about how it’s 2pm and that I shouldn’t be sleeping into the afternoon if I want to pass and how I’ve always had issues with being like asleep when I shouldn’t be… the usual
Me: -a lot of meh’s and yeah’s and whatevs’ thrown her way…
[THIS IS WHEN IT HAPPENS]
Mom: So you heard your sister changed degrees…(I said yes). You know, you girls need to start learning that you have to finish things to the end, it’s like those people who take gap years and end up doing nothing in their lives (cause my mom lives in a world of extremes) and I don’t want that for you…
Me: *in my mind: I needed to take a gap year…*
And that’s when I knew my mom and I are on infinitely different pages, where I needed to take a gap year in order to find myself and where my mom sees a gap year as a recess but an eternal one where life will not carry on after it. I realized at that moment that I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my degree. Wouldn’t study anything else and enjoy it as much but the timing in my life is not the best. I feel like I don’t know who I am outside of like school work and routine. I don’t know what it is to have ungoverned fun/ structured fun in another country. If I had taken that gap year I probably would have either become an Au pair in Amsterdam or America depending on who takes me first or did volunteer work in another country like Brazil or whatevs (it’s a real thing). But no, I fell into the College or death traps parents set up for their children. They do know we aren’t made of the tough skin they might have? I don’t really know difficulty and when I do I always have them to pull me or help me out of it. The whole reason I needed a gap year is to grow that tough skin. Become that all-rounder who can and will take on any obstacle without doubt. The thought of it all makes me sad…
Anyway, I considered applying to a whole new degree cause lord knows my mom will probably stab me in the ribs if I had to come home saying I want to drop out. But then it all fizzled away, seeing as I forgot all about it, which was good. It’s helped me a lot. I lost all FOMO when I realized that the people I’ve met here are absolutely amazing and I’d honestly prefer to stay their peers and friends for a long period of time. Or even the rest of my life. But to sum it all up, I averted my crisis without having to tell my mom a thing about it which probably saved me a whole load of fighting and miscommunication. And I’m seriously happy about that.