I’m am just so physically and emotionally tired of fighting off the depression. Never have I ever fought as hard as I have been in past three months and I can feel my mind slowly giving up. I can’t do it anymore… I’m just so tired, so so tired of being unhappy. I have a weight in my chest every single day I wake up, it increases as the day continues to the point where I would much rather stab my heart out than feel it anymore. I am actually emotionally breaking down and it honestly just feels like I’m going crazy. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t got the time to go seek help, I have to study in that time so I don’t fail. I don’t have a single inkling to speak to anyone because the words don’t form in my mind. What is even wrong with me? Would I even be able to explain what I feel? Could I even explain what’s wrong without sounding like I’m completely crazy? I want to get helped. I do… I just wish I had the time to, the time to be able to fix myself before my exam.
I’m so far gone that I can’t even remember what happiness feels like… I hear what happiness feels like every single time I listen to my favorite song but I don’t feel it. And the worst part is that I know what feeling I’m looking for except I can’t get to it. I can’t even remember the last time I was happy or even the happiness I felt earlier this year when I first got into university.
I am actually scared. So very scared of myself… of the internal conflict I’m going to face in the coming two weeks. I have to fight myself to prevent myself from being the reason for self deterioration. I just feel awful for my friends… cause the more I keep pushing them away the further they’re going to remain because I become a burden really quickly.
Blogging is the only thing that makes sense… makes me feel like I haven’t gone completely crazy. It’s keeping me emotionally afloat… barely.