As of late, I’ve been finding it ever so increasingly hard to pull myself out of the dark abyss of my looming depression. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to stay in bed with the curtains shut, not study or write exams and fail at life (seeing as college is my final attempt, no re-do’s if I fail… well maybe only 2 for medical students) but the necessity of passing, pulls me out of bed every single morning. Oh, how my alarm rings and rings and rings and I don’t even shudder, or wake with a start nor do I make any attempt at turning it off. The darkness is beginning to force it’s way back into me.
To give you a brief overview of my mental stability (flailing as it has been), I’m in a constant loop of gloomy depression, hypermania then euphoria. That’s pretty much my entire life’s emotional stability right there. During the earlier days, the depression lasted longer than my euphoria phases. Those were the darkest days of my life, come to think about it, they’re actually the worst days as well. However as I got older it began to become somewhat easier and easier and easier till I got to the point where nothing really phased me. Nor was I prone to hectic swings in disposition; I felt in control of myself. Capabile and confident! So much so that I boldly jumped out of the nest before checking if the coast was clear, if there wasn’t any wind gusts that might blow me straight back into the tree or worse, into the vast open expanse of the sky.
That’s where the problem began… with me runnning away from my problems. To begin with, my choice of university was based solely on how far away could I get from my dysfunctional family. The South Western most tip of the country just before the ocean was my choice (second actually. First being on a different continent). The breath of fresh air I so gladly took gave me the illusion I needed, the confidence and independence I so ardently craved… prematurely craved. Where as the year continued, I began to realise how alone I actually am. In a place where no one understands you or why you’re the way you are… I had never felt as alone as I began to feel a few months back from today.
From the start I went through the motions … denial, where I constantly reassured myself that what I was feeling isn’t real, just crazy cause I’m happy. Isolated myself to a degree, left early from parties, hung out with new crowds who barely knew me … thereafter my anger and rage levels shot through the roof. Where just a single “hello” or “no” sent me off the roof. I remember being particularly angry at those around me I spent large quantities of time with, reason is currently unknow for my wrath for it did come with all it’s ugly might. Yet through my anger, the small seed of “If only I had” began to sprout. This one came just recently with the passing of my grandmother. Did you know? The very last time I saw her I was being a brat about looking after her instead of having a holiday. If only I had known… or was able to apologise before she left me .. that’s my current dilemma. The inability to fix myself when I know she didn’t hate me for being the brat I was. The inability to remove the pain or at least manage it. I keep asking myself why now and my overly zealous rational brain simply replies, “Old age”.
So hear I lay, days… hours… maybe even minutes away from crippling doom (a serious case of a sore heart) and there’s absolutely nothing I can do about it…
“Why don’t you go seek help, speak to someone? ”
Because young one, the person i so dearly want to speak to, the one I truly want isn’t around. And I’ve tried too, speaking to someone… everyone but it can’t seem to lift the bolder on my heart. Nor can it pull me out of the darkness I feel creeping along.
I’m scared. So very scared.