As so late, I have been dreadfully unable to detach myself from any sort of negative feeling, feelings such as hurt, sadness and even longing. The feelings, that I try so hard to avoid, have begun defining a part of my character. How I speak to people, walk, cry… even eat has been affected. All I long for is the grey area, the area where the “undefined” lies. The area where no tears burn behind my lids when someone asks what’s wrong or if I’m okay, where my heart doesn’t feel like it’s going to shrivel up and turn to ash every time I think about a bad situation I’ve been. I want what any number divided by zero has… assuming we’re talking about basic high school math where the answer is put down as “undefined”.
The emptiness of the answer, that’s all I need. That type of emptiness where there is nothing, nothing at all. No happiness, sadness, no unpleasantness, just good old neutral. What, might you ask, has got me feeling like this? The typical, very predictable answer of ” I… just… don’t know”. Initially, I didn’t. Granted I never actually ever know what’s going on with me emotionally, however as the days began to pass I began to dissect my emotions and find the root cause of the sudden lackluster life I had begun living.
At first, finding out what was wrong was difficult, I began to ponder. Was it the fact that I’m living away from home that was wrong? Or the pushed-under-the-rug issues at home? Was it the fact that, even though we fight all the time, I missed my mother? Or the issues surrounding my more-than-just-friends but no longer existent relationship? Was it just the general issue of being a weirdo girl who cries randomly for no reason? Was it just that?
No it isn’t, I figured it out a few hours ago, it’s an amalgamation of all of the above plus more. Each day, whilst lying in the wake of my insomnia, each issue pops up in my head, bombards me with emotion, invades my dreams then moves to the side for the next. It’s become a matter of which problem is going to plague me today? One? Two? Maybe all at once?… the sad part is that I no longer wish to be sad. I no longer wish to think, or feel, or anything. I want to remain grey.
Or get a hug, a hug would be nice too. Yet I can’t get either. So I resort to blogging, which is actually making me feel a little better. Maybe tomorrow I’ll dissect my issues in further detail. A whole series of unfortunate events (see what I did there?).
As for now, insomnia beckons…
With sleepless love