As of late I have had alot of free time. My definition of free time? Out of a possible 45 working hours in a week, I only spend about 3 hours in lectures. That gives me 42 working hours in a week all to myself. Excluding, of course, the weekends, evenings and night time. A lot of free time… free time which is currently being spent amidst a endless field of loneliness.
Initially I was chuffed, all that free time! I thought it was a blessing, being able to sleep till late, live in sweatpants, watch all the new anime I wanted… the high lasted about 3 out of the 5 weeks I’ve currently been on this schedule. The last 2 weeks… agony stricken weeks of longing for company, for something new. Anything that could get me out of the rut I could feel myself slowly slipping into. You see, everyone else around me spends roughly 30-45 hours in the week in lectures and the other 10 or so hours studying (med students) which leaves only an hour or two left to keep me company.
Devoid of any company, I turned to my blog and found that, as fulfilling as it is to write, the loneliness continued. How does one constantly speak to a wall of faces that don’t react? Faces who choose either to look away or right through you out of ignorance of your presence? The reality of depression dawns on me with every waking hour I spend under the influence of insomnia, each struggling night I fight the tears. The tears of exhaustion. The constant longing for home, for my family. For a normal routine, for anything that can ease my restless brain. Anything that can end the torment worming away at my soul.
Right now, in my bed, in the dark I wonder… would it all be different if I had done another degree? If I had chosen to stay at home … studied there, with all of those people I hold dear to me? Question that cannot be answered. . .
As for me? Right now? All I want to do is go home…